From the outside looking in, my life seems well put together. I’ve spent my weekend with friends. My home is lovely, my belly full, my health excellent. I have a kind and generous family, for the most part we have worked through the issues around our brokenness. There’s money in the bank and I’m planning a trip to the beach.
So why on earth is there anxiety bubbling in my veins? Why is my heart beating a little faster than normal? Why do I want to fall asleep for the rest of the afternoon?
I am coming to understand the Spirit moves in mysterious ways. By virtue of the word ‘mysterious’, it means I’m not going to clearly understand it. However, just because it feels difficult doesn’t mean it’s destructive. A part of my soul has risen to the surface and she wants to be healed. She wants to be heard. She wants to be noticed and cared for. She is a part of me that has remained silent for many many years, terrified of the worst. She has a ‘magic magnifying mind’. She projects wreckage and pain, because that is what was true for her.
When 36-year-old me feels the pains of anxiety in the midst of a lovely sunny day, it isn’t because of what is immediately happening. The wound is historic. It is me and yet it is not me. In order for it to heal, however, it must be faced.
‘Run to the roar’. It’s loud, not because it’s mean, but because it wants your attention.
When it gets uncomfortable inside of your spirit, as it has been in mine, know that there is no external circumstance that will heal or change it. Nor can getting out of the current circumstance heal or change it. Your heart wants your attention. Listen. Ask it what it’s trying to tell you. Pause.
And for once and for all, let this part of you heal. You are ready. You are destined for wholeness.
— Tyler Hayes
sending you love wherever you are in the world today