I have a lot of very close friends. They are some of the best anyone could ever want, truly. I know I can call on them, day or night and they will come. And yet, there is that moment, when we each go home, close our front doors, and live within our own walls. Outside of our deep friendships, we go inside to our personal realities. It is from within my walls, I’m writing to you.
If you are alone, this is for you.
Don’t settle. I know. I’ve heard it too, probably as much as you. And it’s very true, there’s no reason to fill a void, to pass the time & to avoid the emptiness. However it is much easier said than done. When you’re single, it seems like all of life comes in couples, unless of course you live in New York or Los Angeles. Not that they don’t do lonely there, they do. People there want partners as bad as anywhere else, but there are more people not in coupleships in those places. It seems to me, after living in both cities, they don’t offer the constant reminder of ‘family’ the way other parts of the world do.
During my ‘singleness’, especially over the holidays, I’ve done everything I could think of to not be in self-pity. I’ve helped friends in need, prayed over and over for the Sandy Hook Elementary families, gone to therapy, cleaned out, hung out, organized, watched movies, gone to movies with friends, decorated for Christmas, taken the Christmas down. I have worked and worked some more, wrote a business plan, created a workshop, and think I’ve finally outlined my book re-write. Honestly, I could go on and on. Truthfully, I’ve not sat on the pity pot more than two, maybe three times and for very short periods.
After all of that, much of which was exceptionally good, there are still some tears that need to fall. Some nights I still fall asleep wishing for my head to be on someones shoulder, for help moving my office furniture, or to simply reach over and hold the hand of ‘my person’.
I wish I could give you a list of things to do. I wish I could tell you and me both how to always enjoy your own company. I know it can really suck to have to go out just so you can be in the company of people.
For New Years Eve, I’m going on a trip with three couples. One of my friends said, ” I’m proud of you Babe. I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t. That’s just really hard.” When she said it, I was so grateful she didn’t say, “we’re gonna have fun. It’ll be great. Just keep holding out for the right one.” Thankfully she said none of that. Instead, she gave me permission to hurt. Sometimes we need that. Sometimes we need someone to tell us it’s okay to really want something you don’t have, that it’s okay to get tired of your own company, even if you really have learned to like yourself.
So, I’m telling you, if you are alone tonight, it’s okay to wish you weren’t. Go ahead and cry. Heck, even sit on the pity pot, but only for 10 minutes, after that you’ll get a ring around your ass. Tell God your heart hurts and your skin wants to be held. Go on, pour your heart out. If you fall asleep with tears on your pillow, it’s alright! Even though we are alone within the walls of our homes, we are in this together.
Message me anytime! And don’t forget, it’s okay for it not to feel okay.
—– sending you love wherever you are in the world.