For many years, no let me be honest, this is more of a current behavior than a past one. I have a propensity to believe if I can change a circumstance, I can change the way I feel. So, I have the tendency to get caught up arranging life in an attempt to ensure that my heart will not be broken. Like it or not, life can not be arranged, planned, or directed by human hands, especially mine. There is no assurance that our hearts wont break and no promise that our souls won’t ache for relief. And yet, I keep buying into the story that if the person in front of me or the situation I’m in were different, I would have the life I want, the freedom from the pain I fear.
TRUTH: “It is a spiritual axiom, that any time I am disturbed, there is something wrong with me.” Or as my friend Morgan likes to say, “It’s not them!”
It isn’t the situation or the other person that has to change, it’s me, because I am the only one who keeps showing up in all of my situations. I went through a period of time where every guy I dated was an addict. Now, they didn’t look that way going in, but after a while their addiction showed up. My idea was, if “he” wasn’t an addict, I would be happy and we could have a great relationship. The day that changed, the day I quit trying to get addicts not to be addicts, was the day I said, wait, “I” am choosing addicts. I’m not a victim to them, I’m picking them and staying with them, and trying to save them. Then, after years of tears, came a glimmer of hope. Knowing that I couldn’t change “him”, I turned the focus to what I could change, what I can change, ME!
I’m not there yet, but little by little, with lots of help, I’ve begun to quit recreating the familiar scenario. In my forthcoming book, I share my story and what I’ve discovered as the root cause of why I re-create my family of origin trauma in my adult relationships.
We don’t have to buy into the story that if the person in front of us were different we would get to have what we want. We can settle into the truth, that if the person inside of us were our primary focus, we will be able to create the life we long for.
—– Tyler Hayes
sending you love wherever you are in the world
(I am available for ONE2ONE spiritual direction. View my website for details)