It doesn’t work. Arguing, is basically war and we all know no one wins in war, just as no one wins in arguing. And yet, we all do it, every day, even if only in our minds, my self included. So I have asked myself, why? And, what is the real point?
The origin of most arguments, like most wars, comes from two sources. Hurt and Fear. When I am either one of those, it’s on! I’m curious, however, why my being hurt means the other person must know I’m hurt, or must feel bad about hurting me, or must also feel the hurt I feel, therefore I will hurt them. What does any of that do for the hurt I feel? Nothing. If they know I’m hurt, I’m still hurt. If they feel bad about hurting me, I’m still hurt. If I hurt them, then they are hurt, and I’m still hurt. Where did I come up with the idea that if another persons actions caused me pain, I should go back to them to get rid of my pain? This is a peculiar idea, that we all seem to believe.
There’s also the fear. Oh that’s the nastier of the two if you ask me. The fear talks so loud. I kind of imagine fear to be like a giant winged dark monster and when those wings start flapping, dear Lord, help. I learned from the 12 step world that most all fear is “self centered fear”, which means, “I’m afraid I will lose something I have or I won’t get something I want.” My experience has been that every time I am afraid and pause long enough to examine it, that seems to be the case.
So, I find it interesting, that the hurt is about me and the fear is about me, but the argument is with the other person. Once again, I have done that thing which seems to always cause trouble, I have given my power away. When I’m hurt, I give my power away by making the other person responsible for my hurt. When I’m afraid, I give my power away by believing more in something outside of me (the other person) than what is inside of me.
The reason the argument doesn’t work, is I quit writing my story and start letting the other person write it for me. Then, to make matters worse, I blame them for not writing it the way I want them to. Lord have mercy, we seem to have gotten ourselves into quite the mess or at least I have. What now?
There was a video that circled social media for a while of a little girl in her car seat trying to figure something out. When her father ask about helping her, she said, very matter of fact like, “you worry bout your own self.” And so it is, “from the mouth of babes comes the wisdom of God.”
Bottom line, my hurt is mine. My fear is mine. My focus needs to be on what is mine. That all sounds great when I’m writing it down. It makes sense to me. But the moment someone is wrong, here comes the inner gremlin that wants to make sure they know they are wrong, because making sure they know will free me, right? Wrong. My freedom is also mine.
For today, and believe me, not for tomorrow, I can’t get that far ahead. For today, I am going to ask God to help me keep the focus on me. What needs to change in me? What hurt in me needs healing prayer? What fear needs “perfect love…..that it be cast out?” What joy can I claim? What person can I release from making sure they know, what I think they should know?
sending you love wherever you are in the world. – Tyler.