Recently I have been struck with a recurring thought. What if, at the end of my life, when I look into the face of God, He smiles and says, ‘Tyler, nothing was every wrong. You worried and worried and I kept trying to tell you, nothing was wrong.’
For weeks this thought comes to me again and again. So I began to ask myself, what if I believed that now? What if I suspended judgement and decided, nothing is wrong? Could I live without the worry, the fear, the attempts to control? Could I be okay letting go of what I think the outcome should be and trust that God really does have a plan for my highest good? Why am I so committed to the stories I make up about how life must be in order for me to be happy?
I learned to be vigilant after experiencing an abrupt fracture in my family of origin. It came as suddenly as a plane falling out of the sky, quicker than a southern summer storm. One day we were and the next day we were not. There had been no warning, no fighting, no hint, or prelude to the trauma that fell on all of us. It was like a bolt of lightning…… and then years of aftermath.
When we experience heartache in our childhoods, we tend to spend our lives bracing for it again. We build walls and make rules. Strangely, all the precautions isolate us in such a way that we end up with the familiar ache, regardless of what we do to avoid it. So much effort goes into avoiding pain, that we create pain through our avoidance.
So, I’m asking myself, what am I so afraid of? Do I keep myself from a life of abundance simply because is it so unfamiliar to me? Am I scared it will swallow me up? And really, what would be so bad about being swallowed up by abundance?
What if there is such a thing as ‘the whole package’? Here’s the truth, I get caught up in longing. I get lost in wanting what isn’t available in the form I want it in. I decide something is wrong…. with me? with it? with this situation or that person or whatever? And I worry over the ‘wrong’, using all my well honed efforts to make it ‘right’.
Then the still small voice says, “Tyler, nothing is wrong.”
“But I’m crying. I’m hurting. I don’t want things to be this way,” I say.
And again I hear the voice, “Everything is as it is supposed to be. Nothing is wrong.”
I say the words to myself. I breathe them in, “nothing is wrong”. It’s amazing how free I am when I release the story that things should be different.
—— Tyler Hayes
sending you love wherever you are in the world.
check out “ONE2ONE” on my website for spiritual direction.