I have a wonderful friend, who I have been able to laugh with about our bizarre irrational fears.  She will look at me and say, “displaced anxiety”.  It’s our code word, meaning that we are feeling an intense fear of something irrational, instead of being in touch with the root cause of , the real thing, the true thing.

This morning, sitting in my big puffy chair, I felt the rush, the fear……. displaced anxiety.  It used to be that I would have a panic attack and fall completely apart for the entire day.  Now, I get up, put on my walking shoes, call one of the women I deeply trust, talk it down to its right size, and cry the struggle out of my bones.

After a solid hour of going over all the possible situations, outcomes, realities, and fantasies, it came down to this:

“I am afraid, if I can’t manage it all, it won’t happen.”

I took a deep breath, hot tears running down my cheeks.  That’s it, I said.  There’s the real fear.  And so, my mentor said, “this is the surrender”.  What it means to trust God, is not to say show me how to manage it all, how to hold it all together, how to “do” life.  To ruthlessly trust can feel terrifying, at least at first.  However, the reality is, our best life is in His hands.

I hope that what I think I want and what is God’s best will match up.  However, my surrender is to allow God’s best, even if I think it isn’t what I want. 

I finished my walk.  Hung up the phone.  I placed my hand on my heart and said, “God, I can’t manage it.  Help me.”  Still trembling, I felt the Holy Spirit come into me.  I began to pray the promises of God.  Then, the peace, which passes understanding, a peace that makes no sense to the mental manager, a peace not of this earth, not of this world, settled in my soul.  I was reminded, God is with me.   And so it is.

 

——— Tyler Hayes

——– sending you love where you are in the world