Let’s get real. No more hiding. No more secrets. No more looks good on Facebook kinda life. Let’s tell the truth so we can all be free. I’ll go first. Ready…
I get scared. Really scared, about things that I don’t think grown ups should be scared about. Then I shame myself for being scared, only, I’m more scared once I do that because then the big tidal way hits. “Not only are you scared, when you should’t be, Tyler, but now you can’t even help yourself get over being afraid, now what are you gonna do”. Instantly, I don’t trust myself or anyone else. I’m now triple terrified. The story in my mind is ENORMOUS and of course, none of it ends well. So, naturally, I try harder. Because clearly, I can get myself out of this mess. I listen to a meditation app. Breathe. Just focus on your breathing. Then I pray, well I try to, but I don’t think I’m really praying as much as i’m screaming…. “GOD TAKE THIS AWAY NOW…….” At this point, nothing is working… so I’m at a full on level 10.
Until, I cry. I finally surrender and I cry. Tears just pour down my cheeks and I own it, to myself, to God, to the air, “I can’t do it. I need help.” Right then and there the angles come rushing in. The fear doesn’t vanish, I’m not saying that, but I’m not alone in the fear. I have stopped long enough to let go of the idea that I can do it by myself and that I can’t tell anyone about it.
With the tears still falling, because I’ve learned from some really amazing women, I call my tribe. They are the ones who are with me on the journey, who let down their guards in front of me. It’s like we have a tacit agreement not to hide, because we can’t. We’ve all been to hell and back and we can’t hide anymore. Because hiding means dying. It means going crazy, like lock you up kinda crazy. It means living hell, you know the one, where you walk around earth while suffering from an internal torture that is akin to a P. O. W. Because you are, you are a prisoner of war, the war inside. That’s why we don’t hide.
Just this week, the anxiety train pulled into my station. I mean in a major way. I did try to run the show, but only for 24 hours… see, improvement. I called the tribe. As God would have it, not one, but four of my fellow tribers were there in the most magical ways. Today is better. It’s getting better and better by the moment.
We all need each other. But more than that we all need each other to tell the truth. It’s hard and it’s wonderful all at once. Life is a gift that we were meant to dance in the middle of, but dad gum it we get lost on the sidelines hiding afraid because someone might see us, see our messy. You know what, my messy, if I let you see it, will give you permission to show your messy and then someone else will show there’s and on and on…. and we might still be messy, but we won’t be afraid of the messy like we are when we are in it alone.
One of my clients told me this week that her young niece said, “it’s hard to be a person.” I thought, you are so right little girl. It is hard. It is also miraculous, when we can just be a person.
Today, you don’t have to figure it out. Today, you have permission to be messy. Today, you don’t have to hide anymore! So, you’re up. There’s my truth. What’s yours?
sending you love wherever you are in the world. —Tyler