What are these tears, I ask her?
I’m afraid, she says.
Afraid of what, I ask her?
I’m afraid I will need someone. And I don’t want to need anyone. I don’t want to need anyone at all.
Because, they will hurt me. They will trap me. I know they will. They will not let me go to what I love. They will not believe me. And without my permission they will decide what’s best for me. And I will be forced to do what they say. I will have no choice. I. Will. Have. No. Choice.
The words chock as they come out of her mouth. Tears are pouring down her face. She can not catch her breath. She can not stop this whirlwind inside of her. Even though we are just now meeting, I feel as though I have always known her. I hear her heart, past her words. It’s as if I can see the beats, each one slowly pulsing out of her with words written across them. They drift into her blood stream and flow through her body. Shame. Fear. Pain. Abandonment. Heartache. Love. Anger. Doubt. God. God. God. Her soul is begging for relief. She wants to be free, more than anything. Her trap is that she believes she will need someone to help her be free and she can not need anyone. She is stuck in the hardest place of all, the place where freedom requires walking directly into the storm of fear, being utterly terrified, and still not knowing for sure if she will come out the other side. She can not choose. She can not do anything but freeze and hope it will lift.
I watch her. I listen. My heart feels the grief, deeply. And yet, there is a hope, a hope that floats down within me and I remember, Him. “There is One who has all power may you find Him now.” I hear the words from the old blue book, tucked away in my office. The one that has carried many a soul back from the gates of hell and into the “fourth dimension” of freedom. Without a sound, I begin to pray, inside of myself. The only words I seem to say are, “help us. Please help us.”
I know, after having walked this path with so many for so long, that there are those road blocks where only a true intervention from Him will save any of us. There is a place where all therapies fail, where all human power is completely useless. In this place we must run to the One. We must bury our faces in His arms and weep and weep and weep, until we have wept every single solitary tear we are holding within us. Then and only then will we be at the beginning of the road home.