If you’ve been reading parts 1 and 2 of the “Am I Worthy?” series, then you might have identified the voice of the inner punisher and maybe the person whose voice it actually was. The question now becomes, what next? Put your hand over your heart, breathe, and if you are open to it say this, “even though I hear my inner punisher loud and clear, even though I don’t want to see everything right now, I totally and completely love and accept myself as I am.”
I can already hear the argument, because I’ve made it myself, “but I don’t totally and completely love and accept myself.” That’s ok, just let the words come from your mouth and linger around your heart. It may be one of the first times you’ve ever said those words. Try them out. You don’t have to be committed to them or believe them. You’re just exploring what it would be like if you totally and completely loved and accepted yourself as you are right now.
The process of worthiness takes time, a lot of time, but it’s really worth it. Moving forward it’s going to take practiced consciousness. By that I mean, you’re going to need to have several moments in the day where you put your hand over your heart and say the words of acceptance. So that I don’t forget or get caught up in the day, I make little notes to myself about when to do this. For example, try things like this: everyday, before I look at my phone, I will breath and make my statement of acceptance. Every morning when you get in your car, every evening before you eat dinner, or while your doing dishes, any of those times would be great. It’s a short brief pause with a huge impact. Setting up routine times keeps you conscious of your intention. The first time I said those words, I recall crying, profoundly aware that I had not said anything that kind to myself in as long as I could remember.
The pain of breaking up with the inner punisher is that we have to see the truth about where it’s coming from. The gifts of breaking up with the inner punisher are immense. You get your power back. No one is responsible for your happiness but you, which is awesome, because now you can be happy no matter what! No one gets to say if you win or lose, or you are judged or not judged. The inner punisher drives us to disprove it by seeking anything outside of ourselves. And so, we do. However, the things we seek to quell the ache, drinking, drugs, sex, money, relationships, food, perfection, exercise, even religion (taken to the extreme), don’t quell the ache at all. They make it worse. When they don’t work, because they never do, we feel even worse that we did in the begging, therefore the inner punisher is now stronger and we must try all the harder. It is a vicious cycle of self abuse, that always leads for more pain and more pain.
Even if you don’t believe you can love yourself, even if the idea grosses you out, or saying the words feels strange, just try it. There is really nothing to lose, except maybe the pain of hating yourself.
I got up one morning this week and thought, ok, I’m over it already! The anxiety was brewing and I was just over myself. Then, I paused, smiled, took a breath and said, that’s ok….even though I’m not where I think I should be, even though I still get scared over things that I think I shouldn’t be scared over, I totally and completely love and accept myself, just as I am right now.
It is a journey we are on dear ones. There is no arrival, but as I have quoted my friend before, so shall I again, “the reservior of our pain does have an end”. It won’t always be this hard.
sending you love wherever you are in the world.